Okay, amidst all the terrible shaninigans going on beyond sight in this world, and which we are getting a good glimpse of thanks to so many folk speaking out thesedays, I don’t know about you, but some light relief is always welcome!! So here you go….please don’t be offended, humour is godly…: – ) Enjoy!
(Say in Irish accent….)
“Boys,” said Father O’Flanagan to his bible class, “you should never lose your tempers. You should never swear, or get excited or angry. I never do. Now to illustrate — you see that big fly on my nose? A good many wicked men would get angry at that fly, but I don’t. I never lose my temper. I simply say, `Go away, fly, go away.’ And then suddenly he jumped and said,”JESUS CHRIST! It’s a bee, the son of a bitch!”
When Tesshu, the famous medieval samurai swordsman, was young, he visited one Zen master after another. Once he went to visit Master Dokuon and told him triumphantly that all that exists is empty, there is no you or me, and so forth. The master listened to all this in silence. Suddenly he snatched up his pipe and struck Tesshuâ€™s head with it. The infuriated young swordsman would have killed the master there and then, but Dokuon said calmly, â€œEmptiness is surely quick to show anger, is it not?â€ Tesshu left the room, realizing he still had much to learn about Zen.
Two men meet on the street.
One asks the other: “Hi, how are you?”
The other ones replies: “I’m fine, thanks.”
“And how’s your son? Is he still unemployed?”
“Yes, he is. But he is meditating now.”
“Meditating? What’s that?”
“I dont know. But it’s better than sitting around and do nothing!”
Two Zen monks, Tanzan and Ekido, traveling on pilgrimage, came to a muddy river crossing. There they saw a lovely young woman dressed in her kimono and finery, obviously not knowing how to cross the river without ruining her clothes. Without further ado, Tanzan graciously picked her up, held her close to him, and carried her across the muddy river, placing her onto the dry ground. Then he and Ekido continued on their way. Hours later they found themselves at a lodging temple. And here Ekido could no longer restrain himself and gushed forth his complaints: â€œSurely, it is against the rules what you did back thereâ€¦. Touching a woman is simply not allowedâ€¦. How could you have done that? â€¦ And to have such close contact with her! â€¦ This is a violation of all monastic protocolâ€¦â€ Thus he went on with his verbiage. Tanzan listened patiently to the accusations. Finally, during a pause, he said, â€œLook, I set that girl down back at the crossing. Are you still carrying her?â€
imho, I left the best to last….some of these are hilarious…
Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
* Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
* The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water.” The sermon tonight: “Searching for Jesus.”
* Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget your husbands
* The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
* Remember in prayer the many who are sick in our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say “Hell” to someone who doesn’t care much about you.
* Don’t l et worry kill you off – let the Church help.
* Miss Charlene Mason sang “I will not pass this way again,” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
* For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs..
* Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
* The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: “Break Forth Into Joy.”
* Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
* A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.. Music will follow.
* At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What Is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.
* Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
* Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
* The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
* Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.
* The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
* The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
* Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church Please use large double door at the side entrance.
* The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.”
* Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
* Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
I lied, that wasn’t the last : – ) I found some more…hee hee. These are not spiritual but Tech Support jokes….Well funny…
Tech Support: “Sir, Click Start, then Run, and type the letters C, M, and D.”
Customer: “Wait a minute, don’t run off the end of the earth away from me now. I can only go so fast with this thing.”
Tech Support: “Sorry, sir. Did you click Start?”
Customer: “Where is that start button? Oh, here is is. Now what?”
Tech Support: “Um, did you click it?”
Customer: “Dammit, no, do that now?”
Tech Support: “Yes, then click on the word Run.”
Customer: “Dammit, slow down!!! Run, run, run, where the hell is run?”
Tech Support: “Should be a the very bottom of the Start Menu that came up on the screen.”
Customer: “I already clicked Start. Click it again?”
Tech Support: “No, it should be there in the lower left corner.”
Customer: “Hey, I found the word Run. You want that instead?”
Tech Support: “Sure, why not? We’ll see if that works. Did you click it?”
Tech Support: “Ok, type the letters C, M, and then D.”
Customer: “Slow down, dammit!! I’m not a programmer!!! I told you I’m only a car dealer!!”
Tech Support: “Sorry, again, sir, what do you have there?”
Tech Support: “No, we need ‘C’ like ‘Charlie.'”
Tech Support: “Not the whole word ‘Charlie,’ sir, just the ‘C,’ please.”
Customer: “If you don’t want a Charlie, why tell me to type it?”
Tech Support: “Um, what’s in the box now?”
Customer: “I’m trying to find the eraser here.”
Tech Support: “Just hit the backspace key.”
Customer: “That just moves it further to the right without typing anything.”
Tech Support: “Which backspace key did you press?”
Customer: “The long one in the middle. I pressed it on the back side.”
Eventually, we “found” the correct backspace key and got that Z replaced with a C.
Tech Support: “Now that we just have a ‘C’ there, type an ‘M,’ like ‘Mary,’ but just the ‘M,’ ok?”
Tech Support: “Remember that backspace key?”
Tech Support: “Press it twice.”
Customer: “All right, but it took off the ‘O’ and ‘K’ you wanted.”
Tech Support: “Never mind that, I’ll live. Now type a ‘D,’ just the letter D.”
Customer: “D. Now what?”
Tech Support: “Now press the enter key.”
Tech Support: “Is there anyone else around the lot that is maybe a little more familiar with computers than you are?”
Customer: “Well, my wife uses one at her work and might be a little more familiar. She comes in in an hour. You want to talk to her?”
Tech Support: “Yes, please.”
One time I got really frustrated with a caller who had claimed that “the Internet had changed the color to black.” Eventually I worked out that her computer had switched off.
Me: “For the last time, could you please turn the computer on?”
Her: “But I don’t have the file!”
Me: “What file!?”
Her: “You know, the file.”
Me: “Could you please press the button with the circle and the line on it, please?”
Her: “Don’t you talk like that! I still need to download the file! I know what to do. I have friends who are computer experts!”
Me: “Just press the button even if the file still hasn’t ‘downloaded’ yet.”
Her: “Ok. Well, nothing’s happ– oh, it’s got some gibberish written over it now. It’s blue, and there is one thingie that says my name! Wow! My husband taught the computer my name!”
Me: “Yes, that’s what happens when you turn it on. Ok, I’m happy the problem’s fixed. Bye!”
Customer: “Right! I demand satisfaction!”
Tech Support: “I see. Well, I’m here to try and help you. What kind of problem are you having?”
Customer: “It’s not my problem! The ‘commuter’ I bought six weeks ago just won’t work! I can’t do a damned thing with it!”
Tech Support: “I see. Do you mean it won’t even switch on, or is it something else?”
Customer: “Don’t try to sandbag me! I know my rights!”
Tech Support: “Sir, could you explain the problem you are having so I can better help you with it?”
Customer: “I’ve called them all, AOL, Nildram, Tiscali, and none of them are any good.”
Tech Support: “Ok, so are you saying that you’re having problems getting on-line?”
Customer: “Look, it doesn’t work! I want satisfaction!”
Tech Support: “Ok, well I need to ask you some questions to help you with the problem.”
Customer: “Fine, but I doubt you’re going to fix it.”
Tech Support: “Is your modem installed and plugged into the phone line?”
Customer: “How would I know if it’s plugged in?”
Tech Support: (describes how the back of the machine looks and where the modem is)
Customer: “Yes, that’s just how mine looks, and it doesn’t work, so just accept that it’s broken!”
Tech Support: “Which cable did you connect the modem to the phone line with, sir?”
Customer: “I have to wire the stupid thing in?”
I had this conversation recently with a lady who swore she had been using computers since forever.
Tech Support: “All right. Now click ‘OK’.”
Customer: “Click ‘OK’?”
Tech Support: “Yes, click ‘OK’.”
Customer: “Click ‘OK’?”
Tech Support: “That’s right. Click ‘OK’.”
Customer: “So I click ‘OK’, right?”
Tech Support: “Right. Click ‘OK’.”
Customer: “I clicked ‘Cancel’.”
Tech Support: “YOU CLICKED ‘CANCEL’???”
Customer: “That’s what I was supposed to do, right?”
Tech Support: “No, you were supposed to click ‘OK’.”
Customer: “I thought you said to click ‘Cancel’.”
Tech Support: “NO. I said to click ‘OK’.”
Tech Support: “Now we have to start over.”
Tech Support: “Because you clicked ‘Cancel’.”
Customer: “Wasn’t I supposed to click ‘Cancel’?”
Tech Support: “No. Forget that. Let’s start from the top.”
I spent the next fifteen minutes re-constructing the carefully crafted setup for this lady’s unique computer.
Tech Support: “All right. Now, are you ready to click ‘OK’?”
Tech Support: “Great. Now click ‘OK’.”
Customer: “I clicked ‘Cancel’.”
And people wonder why my mouse pad has a target on it labeled “BANG HEAD HERE.”
Tech Support: “Thank you for calling customer service, and how may I help you?”
Customer: “I can’t get it to do.”
Tech Support: “Excuse me, ma’am?”
Customer: “I can’t get my Internet to do.”
Tech Support: “Let’s check your setup.”
Customer: “Okey dokey.”
Tech Support: “Are you at your desktop?”
Tech Support: “Do a double click on the ‘My Computer’ icon.”
Customer: “I don’t see that one.”
Tech Support: “What screen are you on, and what does you desktop look like?”
Tech Support: “What’s on your screen, ma’am?”
Customer: “A bunch of names.”
Tech Support: “Like what?”
Customer: “Bill, George, Larry, Jim.”
Tech Support: “What screen are you on?”
Customer: “I am on the one I’m on. I need to go get my daughter. She’s the computer guru of the family.”
Tech Support: “Great, thank you.”
April: “Hi, I’m April, and you are?”
Tech Support: “Mike.”
April: “Mike. Cool, dude.”
Tech Support: “Are you at your desktop?”
April: “You will have to excuse my mother. She’s a little dense.”
Tech Support: “No problem.”
April: “How old are you?”
Tech Support: “300 years old. I’m the ‘Highlander.’ Um, would you do a double click on the ‘My Computer’ icon?”
April: “Sorry, I don’t see that one.”
Tech Support: “What do you see?”
April: “Bill, George, Larry, and Jim.”
Tech Support: “What version of Windows are you using?”
April: “Ninety-something I guess.”
Tech Support: “Erm. Shut down the computer and reboot.”
April: “Ok….” (pause) “Done.”
Tech Support: “What does your screen say?
April: “Bill, Larry, Jim, Barbie, and Wimper.”
Tech Support: “Just for kicks, do a double click on ‘Bill,’ and see what happens.”
April: “What is this?”
Tech Support: “What did it do?”
April: “It now has little folders: modems, devices, etc.”
Tech Support: “Why was your ‘My Computer’ icon named Bill?”
April: “I wanted to name it something cute. Did I screw up?”
I work for Microsoft as a certified Word Professional. One day I received a call from a woman who had much difficulty explaining herself and even more difficulty understanding what I was asking of her.
Tech Support: “Ok, what version of word do you have?”
Tech Support: “No, no…what VERSION do you have?”
Tech Support: “You know what? I don’t care. Let’s move on.”
Pointless bickering and senseless rambling about her problem.
Tech Support: “And how often does this happen?”
Customer: “Well, it doesn’t happen all the time, but when it happens, it happens constantly.”
Tech Support: “Uh huh.”
I had to hit the mute button to avoid letting her hear my agitated laughter.
The call lasted forty five minutes. I began to think that she didn’t really know what I was saying, nor had the intelligence to question why I hadn’t begun troubleshooting. Then I had an idea.
Tech Support: “Well everything seems to be in good standing on your system. Nice talking with you.”
Customer: “Oh, THANK YOU!! Thank you very much!” (click)
I never really found out what her issue was.
Tech Support: “Ok sir, we’ll do a file search to find it. Can you please click on Start, then Find, then–“
Customer: “Don’t talk down to me like that! I’m not an idiot — I know what I’m doing!”
Tech Support: “Ok sir, please Start, then Find to do a file search.”
Customer: “How do I do that?”
Customer: “My program doesn’t work.”
Tech Support: “Which program are you using?”
Customer: “The one I use to get my work done.”
Tech Support: “Ma’am, we support many different programs, what’s the name of the program you use?”
Customer: “I don’t know; it’s the one that comes up when I start my computer.”
Tech Support: “Can you tell me what you see on the screen after you start your computer?”
Customer: “No, I can’t get the program to come up so I can’t tell you what’s on the screen.”
Tech Support: “Is your computer on?”
Customer: “Of course it’s on! I know how to turn on my computer!”
Tech Support: “What kind of computer do you have? Is it a PC, a Macintosh, an Xterminal, or a VT420?”
Customer: “I don’t know. You’re the help desk — you’re supposed to know that.”
Tech Support: “Uh. Have you tried rebooting your machine?”
Customer: (angrily) “I just told you I can’t get the program to run. What kind of help desk is this? I don’t think you’re very helpful, and I’ll have you know that I personally know one of the programmers, and I’m going to call her since I know she’ll be able to help me!”
Customer: “So when I go to boot my computer, it just does nothing.”
Tech Support: “It just does nothing? So, when you turn on your computer you just get a blank screen?”
Customer: “Oh no, It comes up and counts my memory, detects hard drives, etc.”
Tech Support: “Ok, then what happens?”
Customer: “It doesn’t do nothing.”
Tech Support: “It doesn’t do nothing? I am not sure I understand. Does it lock up at this point?”
Customer: “Oh no, after that I get the screen with the clouds that says ‘Windows’ on it.”
Tech Support: “Ok, so you turn it on, it starts to boot up, then it goes to the splash screen with the clouds, and this is where you are having problems? What happens here?”
Customer: “It doesn’t do nothing.”
Tech Support: “Ok, so can you even get in to Windows? Will the system boot to your desktop?”
Customer: “Oh yes.”
Tech Support: “All right, so, you turn on your system, it counts your RAM, detects your drives, loads the splash screen, boots into Windows, and then what?”
Tech Support: “So what is the problem?”
Customer: “The computer doesn’t do nothing.”
Tech Support: “Ok, I need you to be a little more specific here because that so far, this is quite normal.”
Customer: “Oh yeah, all that stuff is normal.”
Tech Support: “So again, what is the problem anyway?”
Customer: “My desktop is all washed out looking.”
Tech Support: “Ok, you are in C:\WINDOWS. We need to get to the A: drive. So type ‘A’ colon and press enter.”
Customer: “‘A’? What’s an ‘A’?”
Tech Support: “It’s the first letter of the alphabet. ‘A’ like apple.”
Customer: “Ummm…what’s an ‘A’? I don’t know what it is.”
Tech Support: “Grade school, remember? The letter ‘A’?”
Customer: “Oh, ok. Where is that?”
Tech Support: “Left side of the keyboard. Next to the ‘S’.”
Customer: “Ok…I think I found it. What do I do?”
Tech Support: “Press it. See what happens.”
Customer: “Ok, I’ve got an ‘A’ now.”
Tech Support: “Now press the colon. It’s next to the ‘L’ key.”
Customer: “How do I get it?”
Tech Support: “Hold down the ‘shift’ key.”
Customer: “How to you spell that?”
Tech Support: “S-H-I-F-T. You have two of them. Near the space bar. Hold that down and press the colon.”
Customer: “I can’t find the colon.”
Tech Support: “It’s to the right of the ‘L’.”
Customer: “How do I get it?”
Tech Support: “Hold the shift key and press the colon key.”
Customer: “Oh, ok…I think I’ve got it.”
Tech Support: “Good, now hit ‘enter’.”
Customer: “Where’s that?”
Customer: “My modem is not working.”
Tech Support: “Ok. Let’s start simply. Do you have a phone line running from the back of the computer to the wall?”
Customer: “I have no dial tone when I pick up the phone.”
Tech Support: “Do you have a phone line running from the back of the computer to the wall?”
Customer: “I bought this new computer, it’s got (reads from store receipt) and 32 megs of RAM. But it won’t work.”
Tech Support: “Ok. Tell me how you have it set up right now.”
Customer: “Well, I have it setting next to the phone, and the phone line is hooked into it.”
Tech Support: “Is anything running into the wall?”
Tech Support: “So you have the computer sitting next to the phone, the phone line running into the computer, and that’s it?”
Customer: “Yes. Am I supposed to plug the computer in?”
Tech Support: “Yes, it needs to be plugged in so the modem can dial.”
Customer: “What’s a modem?”
I think that will do for now!
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