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spiritual jokes

[Updated 02/02/2020]

‘Laughter is the best medicine’, was a regular section in the little  Reader’s Digest magazine, and so true it is.  It can release so much withheld energy.  And as Self-realized teacher Papaji said:

When anybody laughs he has no thought, there is no mind, and there is no suffering. It is the mind that suffers. Therefore laugh away your problems.

So here’s to a good laugh, below you will find a collection of spiritual / philosophical humour, jokes, quips and food for thought.  Also some geeky, tech related jokes have found their way onto this list.

Any new jokes added will be added to the top of this page, should you wish to revisit it at a later date.

Enjoy!


Spiritual Jokes

[Latest jokes added at the top]

Q. How many Advaitas does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Two, one to change it and one to give a lecture on how only one was needed.


A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked, ‘ Is my time up?’

‘No,’ replies God, ‘you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.’

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, brow lift, lip enhancement, boob job, lipo-suction, and a tummy tuck.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit and killed by a car.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, ’I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn’t you pull me out of
the path of the car?’

God replied, ‘Girlllllll, I didn’t even recognize you!’


When we talk to God, we’re said to be praying, but when God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic.


How many Iyengar yogis does it take to replace a light bulb?

Only one !

BUT, he will need:
a sticky mat
a backless chair
two blocks
five blankets
a bolster
six ropes
two belts
six assorted benches
a bandage
a slant board
two quarter rounds
three weights
one wooden horse
a certificate


Jiddu Krishnamurti had a light side. This came out sometimes in jokes. Here is one in his very own words:

The following story I was told in India. You may have heard of Birla, the industrialist. He’s from Calcutta, tremendously rich, and for many years his company has had a virtual monopoly on passenger cars build in India, with the Ambassador. They are not well-made vehicles, not very comfortable, and they often break down.

So Birla dies and goes to heaven. St Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates and asks, ‘Who are you, please?’

‘I’m Birla,’ he replies, slightly annoyed at not being recognized.

St. Peter goes through his list of names. ‘B-B-Birla. I’m sorry, your name is not on the list. I don’t think you can enter heaven.’

Birla protests angrily, ‘I’m Birla, the industrialist. I must be on that list. Look again. B-i-r-l-a.’

St. Peter is taken aback by the man’s arrogance and says, ‘I don’t know anybody by that name.’

‘By Jove,’ Birla exclaim, ‘everybody knows me — everybody. And you’re trying to tell me…’

Peter says politely by firmly, ‘Please, sir, don’t get excited. That won’t help you up here. Your name is not on the list. I’ve never heard of you, and I’m afraid that you won’t be allowed into heaven.’

For a moment Birla is crushed and falls into a morose silence.

St Peter feels pity on him and says, ‘But perhaps you can provide us with a good reason why we should let you in.’

Birla immediately perks up and says, ‘I have helped the cause of many religions by spending millions upon millions for the building of temples, mosques and churches.’

St Peter replies, ‘That’s quite natural, all rich people do that: they want to become famous and save paying taxes. But that hardly qualifies you to enter the heavenly paradise.’

By this time Birla is feeling frustrated and shouts, ‘Now look here, my dear chap, there is nobody in the whole of India, maybe in the whole world, who has done so much for his workers and their families, built hundereds of hospitals, homes for orphans and the aged, schools and universities.

St Peter says, I’m not sure whether that counts either. After all, these people have given their energy, their labor, their lives, so that you could become rich. No, no—none of that matters in heaven. What we ask, which is the real question: what have you ever done for God?’

Birla frantically searches his memory and finally brightens up, saying with satisfaction, ‘Well, sir, for decades we have been manufacturing the famous Ambassador car. And, whenever somebody opens the door to get into their car, they exclaim, ‘O my God!’’.


A religious man is on top of a roof during a great flood. A man comes by in a boat and says “get in, get in!” The religous man replies, ” no I have faith in God, he will grant me a miracle.”

Later the water is up to his waist and another boat comes by and the guy tells him to get in again. He responds that he has faith in god and god will give him a miracle. With the water at about chest high, another boat comes to rescue him, but he turns down the offer again cause “God will grant him a miracle.”

With the water at chin high, a helicopter throws down a ladder and they tell him to get in, mumbling with the water in his mouth, he again turns down the request for help for the faith of God. He arrives at the gates of heaven with broken faith and says to Peter, I thought God would grand me a miracle and I have been let down.” St. Peter chuckles and responds, “I don’t know what you’re complaining about, we sent you three boats and a helicopter.”


Four Vipassana meditators agreed to meditate in silence for a week and to not speak a single word.

On the first day, they all maintained silence. But as darkness fell, the flame of their single candle began to flicker.

“Oh, the flame is going out” said one monk.

“Eh, we should not speak a single word” said the second monk.

“Why do you two want to speak?” said the third monk.

“Ha! I am the only one who did not talk!” said the fourth monk.


The Master: I’ve never met someone so thoughtless in my life.  Keep up the good work.

The disciple: Thank you Master


God gives,gives,gives and forgives
Man gets,gets,gets and forgets.


Dog for Sale

A man sees a sign outside a house – ‘Talking Dog For Sale.’ He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.

The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.

“Do you really talk?” he asks the dog.

“Yes,” the Labrador replies.

After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, “So, tell me your story.”
The Labrador looks up and says, “Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS.

“In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.

“I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years.

But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I’ve just retired.”

The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.

“Ten quid,” the owner says.

£10!!? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?”

“Because he’s a lying bastard. He’s never been out of the garden.”


The Frog-Princess and 72 year Old Man

A guy is 72 years old and loves to fish.

He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, ‘Pick  me up.’

He looked around and couldn’t see anyone.

He  thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, ‘Pick me up.’

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, ‘Are you talking to me?’

The frog said, ‘Yes, I’m talking to you.  Pick me up, then kiss me;  and I’ll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I’ll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous, because I will be your bride!’

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully and placed it in his shirt pocket.

The frog said, ‘What, are you nuts?  Didn’t you hear what I said?  I said, “Kiss me, and I will be your beautiful bride.”

The old man opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said:

‘Nah. At my age, I’d rather have a talking frog.’


Light-hearted Quips and Advice

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on my list.
3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good Evening,’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted pay cheques.
12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, ‘In case of emergency, notify:’ I put ‘DOCTOR.’
13. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
19. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
20. There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
21. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.
22. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
24. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
26. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
27. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.
28. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.


 

 

spiritual humour popeThe Pope arrives at JFK and he’s met at a baggage claim by a driver in a bad suit and a clip-on tie, holding a hand-lettered sign that says, “Pope.” After getting all the Pope’s luggage loaded in the limousine—and His Holiness does travel light—the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb. “Hey, Mr. Pope,” says the driver in accented English, “why have you not seated yourself in the excellent limo?” “Well, to tell you the truth,” says the Pope, “they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I’d really like to drive.” “That is very much against the rules!” protested the driver, wishing he’d never left Calcutta. “There might be something extra in it for you,” said the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver got in the back as the Pope got in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regretted his decision when, after clearing the airport, the Pope accelerated the limo to 105 mph. “Please be driving not so rapidly, Mr. Pope,” pleaded the worried driver, but the Pope kept the pedal to the metal. Then they heard the siren. “Oh, my Gods, now I am surely losing my license,” moaned the driver.

The Pope pulled over and rolled down the window as the patrolman approached, but the cop took one look at him, went back to his motorcycle, and got on the radio. “I need to talk to the Chief,” he said to the dispatcher.

When the Chief got on the radio, the cop told him that he’d stopped a limo going a hundred and five. “So bust him,” said the Chief. “I think the guy’s a big shot,” said the cop. “All the more reason.” “No, I mean really a big shot,” said the cop. “What’d ya got there, the Mayor?” “Bigger.” “Governor?” “Bigger than that.” “Well,” said the Chief, “who is it, then?”

“I don’t know,” said the cop. “But he’s got the Pope driving for him.”






How do you make God laugh? Tell him your plans.


spiritual jokes sleeping joke
When the family’s dog died, a mother tried to gently break the news to her little 5-year-old daughter.

“We can all be happy now, that little Bo is up in heaven with God.” Replied the little girl:

“But mom, what’s God going to do with a dead dog?”



Voltaire: “God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.”


spiritual jokes pope
Dear God, I read the Bible. What does begat mean? Nobody will tell me. Love, Allison.

Dear God, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don’t You keep the ones You already have now? Jane.

Dear God, Maybe Cain and Abel would not have killed each other if they had their own rooms. That’s what my Mom did for me and my brother. Larry.

Dear God, If You watch me in church on Sunday, I’ll show You my new shoes. Mickey.

Dear God, I bet it is very hard to love everyone in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I’m having a hard time loving all of them. Nan.

Dear God, Are You really invisible or is it just a trick? Lucy.

Dear God, Did You mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? Norma.

Dear God, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in the church. Is that OK? Neil.

Dear God, Did You really mean “do unto others as they do unto you”? Because if You did, then I’m going to get my brother good. Darla.

Dear God, Thank You for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. Joyce.

Dear God, I think about You sometimes, even when I’m not praying. Elliot.

Dear God, My brother told me about being born but it doesn’t sound right. They’re just kidding, aren’t they? Marsha.

Dear God, I didn’t think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset You made on Tuesday. That was cool. Eugene.



The pastor was talking to a group of young children about being good and going to heaven. At the end of his talk, he asked, “Where do you want to go?”

“Heaven!” cried out little Suzy.

“And what do you have to be to get there?” asked the preacher.

“Six feet under!” yelled little Tommy.



spiritual jokes sleeping jokeA Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service,

“And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?”

One bright little girl replied, “Because people are sleeping.”

 


spiritual jokes maths joke
Little Zachary was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything: tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math. Finally, in a last-ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn’t even kiss his mother or say “hello.” Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were soon spread out all over the room while little Zachary applied himself, hard at work.

His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner. To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.

This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made such a difference. Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room to study even more. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at the report card and, to her great surprise, Zachary had received an “A” in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity.

She went to his room and said, “Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?” The little boy shook his head.

“Well, then,” she replied, “was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms?”

Zachary looked at his mother and said, “No. It was on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren’t fooling around.”



spiritual jokes bed jokeDear God, so far today, I’ve done all right. I haven’t gossiped, and I haven’t lost my temper. I haven’t been grumpy, nasty or selfish, and I’m really glad of that!

But in a few minutes, God, I’m going to get out of bed, and from then on, I’m probably going to need a lot of help. Thank you! Amen.

 


spiritual jokes fly joke
“Boys,” said Father O’Flanagan to his bible class, “you should never lose your tempers. You should never swear, or get excited or angry. I never do. Now to illustrate — you see that big fly on my nose? A good many wicked men would get angry at that fly, but I don’t. I never lose my temper. I simply say, `Go away, fly, go away.’
And then suddenly he jumped and said,”JESUS CHRIST! It’s a bee, the son of a bitch!”


deckchair spiritual jokes
Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their “tourist” garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, and enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a great-looking blonde in a bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn’t help but stare. As the blonde passed them, she smiled, nodded and said, “Good morning, Father,” “Good morning, Father,” addressing each of them individually, then passed on by. They were both stunned. “How in the world did she know we’re priests?” they asked each other.

The next day, they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits. Once again the two priests in disguise settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, etc. After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them and greeted them individually with “Good morning, Father,” and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn’t stand it any longer and said, “Just a minute young lady.” “Yes?” she replied. “We are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests?” Replied the young woman: “Father, it’s me, Sister Angela.”


spiritual jokes samurai joke
When Tesshu, the famous medieval samurai swordsman, was young, he visited one Zen master after another. Once he went to visit Master Dokuon and told him triumphantly that all that exists is empty, there is no you or me, and so forth. The master listened to all this in silence. Suddenly he snatched up his pipe and struck Tesshua’s head with it. The infuriated young swordsman would have killed the master there and then, but Dokuon said calmly, Emptiness is surely quick to show anger, is it not? Tesshu left the room, realizing he still had much to learn about Zen.


What do you call a Zen master from eastern Europe who’s been bugging you all day?

A Buddha Pest.

What do you call a Buddhist monk who meditates in the snow?

Fro-zen.

A Zen monk enters a Pizza Hut…

…the employee says “Welcome to Pizza Hut, Sir! What kind of pizza do you want?”

The monk thinks about it and says “Can you make me one with everything?”


A Zen student went to a temple and asked how long it would take him to gain enlightenment if he joined the temple.

“Ten years,” said the Zen master.

“Well, how about if I really work hard and double my effort?”

“Twenty years.”


I asked a Buddhist how they managed to deal with past hurts.

They replied “That was zen and this is now.”

One Zen student said, “My teacher is the best. He can go days without eating.”

The second said, “My teacher has so much self-control, he can go days without sleep.”

The third said, “My teacher is so wise that he eats when he’s hungry and sleeps when he’s tired.”


An aspiring monk asked to enter a temple and attach himself to a guru.

“Very well,” said the guru, “but all students here observe the vow of silence. You will be allowed to speak only once in every twelve years.

After the first twelve years, the student said, “The bed is too hard.”

After another twelve years, he said, “The food is not good.”

Twelve more years later, after thirty-six years of hard work and meditation, he said, “I quit.”

“Good,” snapped his guru, “all you have been doing is complain.”


Two old friends met for dinner.

“How’s that husband of yours? Is he still unemployed?”

“No, no, not anymore.”

“Oh well some good news at least. What does he do now?”

“Now he meditates.”

“Meditates! What’s that?”

“I’m not sure, but it’s better than sitting around doing nothing.”


How many zen masters does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two, one to change it, and one not to change it.

spiritual jokes meditating son joke
Two men meet on the street.

One asks the other: “Hi, how are you?”

The other ones replies: “I’m fine, thanks.”

“And how’s your son? Is he still unemployed?”

“Yes, he is. But he is meditating now.”

“Meditating? What’s that?”

“I don’t know. But it’s better than sitting around and doing nothing!”


spiritual jokes monks joke
Two Zen monks, Tanzan and Ekido, traveling on pilgrimage, came to a muddy river crossing. There they saw a lovely young woman dressed in her kimono and finery, obviously not knowing how to cross the river without ruining her clothes. Without further ado, Tanzan graciously picked her up, held her close to him, and carried her across the muddy river, placing her onto the dry ground. Then he and Ekido continued on their way. Hours later they found themselves at a lodging temple. And here Ekido could no longer restrain himself and gushed forth his complaints: Surely, it is against the rules what you did back there! Touching a woman is simply not allowed. How could you have done that? And to have such close contact with her! This is a violation of all monastic protocol. Thus he went on with his verbiage. Tanzan listened patiently to the accusations. Finally, during a pause, he said, Look, I set that girl down back at the crossing. Are you still carrying her?



spiritual jokes church jokesThank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

* Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

* The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water.” The sermon tonight: “Searching for Jesus.”

* Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget your husbands

* The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

* Remember in prayer the many who are sick in our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say “Hell” to someone who doesn’t care much about you.

* Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.

* Miss Charlene Mason sang “I will not pass this way again,” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

* For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs..

* Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

* The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: “Break Forth Into Joy.”

* Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

* A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.. Music will follow.

* At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What Is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

* Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

* Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

* The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

* Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.

* The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

* The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

* Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church Please use large double door at the side entrance.

* The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.”

* Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

* Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.


computer support jokes
Tech Support: “Sir, Click Start, then Run, and type the letters C, M, and D.”

Customer: “Wait a minute, don’t run off the end of the earth away from me now. I can only go so fast with this thing.”

Tech Support: “Sorry, sir. Did you click Start?”

Customer: “Where is that start button? Oh, here is is. Now what?”

Tech Support: “Um, did you click it?”

Customer: “Dammit, no, do that now?”

Tech Support: “Yes, then click on the word Run.”

Customer: “Dammit, slow down!!! Run, run, run, where the hell is run?”

Tech Support: “Should be a the very bottom of the Start Menu that came up on the screen.”

Customer: “I already clicked Start. Click it again?”

Tech Support: “No, it should be there in the lower left corner.”

Customer: “Hey, I found the word Run. You want that instead?”

Tech Support: “Sure, why not? We’ll see if that works. Did you click it?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Tech Support: “Ok, type the letters C, M, and then D.”

Customer: “Slow down, dammit!! I’m not a programmer!!! I told you I’m only a car dealer!!”

Tech Support: “Sorry, again, sir, what do you have there?”

Customer: “Z.”

Tech Support: “No, we need ‘C’ like ‘Charlie.’”

Customer: “C-H-A-R–“

Tech Support: “Not the whole word ‘Charlie,’ sir, just the ‘C,’ please.”

Customer: “If you don’t want a Charlie, why tell me to type it?”

Tech Support: “Um, what’s in the box now?”

Customer: “I’m trying to find the eraser here.”

Tech Support: “Just hit the backspace key.”

Customer: “That just moves it further to the right without typing anything.”

Tech Support: “Which backspace key did you press?”

Customer: “The long one in the middle. I pressed it on the back side.”

Eventually, we “found” the correct backspace key and got that Z replaced with a C.

Tech Support: “Now that we just have a ‘C’ there, type an ‘M,’ like ‘Mary,’ but just the ‘M,’ ok?”

Customer: “M-O-K.”

Tech Support: “Remember that backspace key?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Tech Support: “Press it twice.”

Customer: “All right, but it took off the ‘O’ and ‘K’ you wanted.”

Tech Support: “Never mind that, I’ll live. Now type a ‘D,’ just the letter D.”

Customer: “D. Now what?”

Tech Support: “Now press the enter key.”

Customer: “E-N-T-E-R.”

Tech Support: “Is there anyone else around the lot that is maybe a little more familiar with computers than you are?”

Customer: “Well, my wife uses one at her work and might be a little more familiar. She comes in in an hour. You want to talk to her?”

Tech Support: “Yes, please.”



One time I got really frustrated with a caller who had claimed that “the Internet had changed the color to black.” Eventually I worked out that her computer had switched off.

Me: “For the last time, could you please turn the computer on?”

Her: “But I don’t have the file!”

Me: “What file!?”

Her: “You know, the file.”

Me: “Could you please press the button with the circle and the line on it, please?”

Her: “Don’t you talk like that! I still need to download the file! I know what to do. I have friends who are computer experts!”

Me: “Just press the button even if the file still hasn’t ‘downloaded’ yet.”

Her: “Ok. Well, nothing’s happ– oh, it’s got some gibberish written over it now. It’s blue, and there is one thingie that says my name! Wow! My husband taught the computer my name!”

Me: “Yes, that’s what happens when you turn it on. Ok, I’m happy the problem’s fixed. Bye!”

Her: “But–“

Click.



Customer: “Right! I demand satisfaction!”

Tech Support: “I see. Well, I’m here to try and help you. What kind of problem are you having?”

Customer: “It’s not my problem! The ‘commuter’ I bought six weeks ago just won’t work! I can’t do a damned thing with it!”

Tech Support: “I see. Do you mean it won’t even switch on, or is it something else?”

Customer: “Don’t try to sandbag me! I know my rights!”

Tech Support: “Sir, could you explain the problem you are having so I can better help you with it?”

Customer: “I’ve called them all, AOL, Nildram, Tiscali, and none of them are any good.”

Tech Support: “Ok, so are you saying that you’re having problems getting on-line?”

Customer: “Look, it doesn’t work! I want satisfaction!”

Tech Support: “Ok, well I need to ask you some questions to help you with the problem.”

Customer: “Fine, but I doubt you’re going to fix it.”

Tech Support: “Is your modem installed and plugged into the phone line?”

Customer: “How would I know if it’s plugged in?”

Tech Support: (describes how the back of the machine looks and where the modem is)

Customer: “Yes, that’s just how mine looks, and it doesn’t work, so just accept that it’s broken!”

Tech Support: “Which cable did you connect the modem to the phone line with, sir?”

Customer: “I have to wire the stupid thing in?”



I had this conversation recently with a lady who swore she had been using computers since forever.

Tech Support: “All right. Now click ‘OK’.”

Customer: “Click ‘OK’?”

Tech Support: “Yes, click ‘OK’.”

Customer: “Click ‘OK’?”

Tech Support: “That’s right. Click ‘OK’.”

Customer: “So I click ‘OK’, right?”

Tech Support: “Right. Click ‘OK’.”

Pause.

Customer: “I clicked ‘Cancel’.”

Tech Support: “YOU CLICKED ‘CANCEL’???”

Customer: “That’s what I was supposed to do, right?”

Tech Support: “No, you were supposed to click ‘OK’.”

Customer: “I thought you said to click ‘Cancel’.”

Tech Support: “NO. I said to click ‘OK’.”

Customer: “Oh.”

Tech Support: “Now we have to start over.”

Customer: “Why?”

Tech Support: “Because you clicked ‘Cancel’.”

Customer: “Wasn’t I supposed to click ‘Cancel’?”

Tech Support: “No. Forget that. Let’s start from the top.”

Customer: “Ok.”

I spent the next fifteen minutes re-constructing the carefully crafted setup for this lady’s unique computer.

Tech Support: “All right. Now, are you ready to click ‘OK’?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Tech Support: “Great. Now click ‘OK’.”

Pause.

Customer: “I clicked ‘Cancel’.”

And people wonder why my mouse pad has a target on it labeled “BANG HEAD HERE.”



Tech Support: “Thank you for calling customer service, and how may I help you?”

Customer: “I can’t get it to do.”

Tech Support: “Excuse me, ma’am?”

Customer: “I can’t get my Internet to do.”

Tech Support: “Let’s check your setup.”

Customer: “Okey dokey.”

Tech Support: “Are you at your desktop?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Tech Support: “Do a double click on the ‘My Computer’ icon.”

Customer: “I don’t see that one.”

Tech Support: “What screen are you on, and what does you desktop look like?”

Customer: “Wood.”

Tech Support: “What’s on your screen, ma’am?”

Customer: “A bunch of names.”

Tech Support: “Like what?”

Customer: “Bill, George, Larry, Jim.”

Tech Support: “What screen are you on?”

Customer: “I am on the one I’m on. I need to go get my daughter. She’s the computer guru of the family.”

Tech Support: “Great, thank you.”

April: “Hi, I’m April, and you are?”

Tech Support: “Mike.”

April: “Mike. Cool, dude.”

Tech Support: “Are you at your desktop?”

April: “You will have to excuse my mother. She’s a little dense.”

Tech Support: “No problem.”

April: “How old are you?”

Tech Support: “300 years old. I’m the ‘Highlander.’ Um, would you do a double click on the ‘My Computer’ icon?”

April: “Sorry, I don’t see that one.”

Tech Support: “What do you see?”

April: “Bill, George, Larry, and Jim.”

Tech Support: “What version of Windows are you using?”

April: “Ninety-something I guess.”

Tech Support: “Erm. Shut down the computer and reboot.”

April: “Ok….” (pause) “Done.”

Tech Support: “What does your screen say?

April: “Bill, Larry, Jim, Barbie, and Wimper.”

Tech Support: “Just for kicks, do a double click on ‘Bill,’ and see what happens.”

April: “What is this?”

Tech Support: “What did it do?”

April: “It now has little folders: modems, devices, etc.”

Tech Support: “Why was your ‘My Computer’ icon named Bill?”

April: “I wanted to name it something cute. Did I screw up?”



I work for Microsoft as a certified Word Professional. One day I received a call from a woman who had much difficulty explaining herself and even more difficulty understanding what I was asking of her.

Tech Support: “Ok, what version of word do you have?”

Customer: “Virgin!?”

Tech Support: “No, no…what VERSION do you have?”

Customer: “Huh?”

Tech Support: “You know what? I don’t care. Let’s move on.”

Pointless bickering and senseless rambling about her problem.

Tech Support: “And how often does this happen?”

Customer: “Well, it doesn’t happen all the time, but when it happens, it happens constantly.”

Tech Support: “Uh huh.”

I had to hit the mute button to avoid letting her hear my agitated laughter.

The call lasted forty five minutes. I began to think that she didn’t really know what I was saying, nor had the intelligence to question why I hadn’t begun troubleshooting. Then I had an idea.

Tech Support: “Well everything seems to be in good standing on your system. Nice talking with you.”

Customer: “Oh, THANK YOU!! Thank you very much!” (click)

I never really found out what her issue was.



Tech Support: “Ok sir, we’ll do a file search to find it. Can you please click on Start, then Find, then–“

Customer: “Don’t talk down to me like that! I’m not an idiot — I know what I’m doing!”

Tech Support: “Ok sir, please Start, then Find to do a file search.”

Customer: “How do I do that?”



Customer: “My program doesn’t work.”

Tech Support: “Which program are you using?”

Customer: “The one I use to get my work done.”

Tech Support: “Ma’am, we support many different programs, what’s the name of the program you use?”

Customer: “I don’t know; it’s the one that comes up when I start my computer.”

Tech Support: “Can you tell me what you see on the screen after you start your computer?”

Customer: “No, I can’t get the program to come up so I can’t tell you what’s on the screen.”

Tech Support: “Is your computer on?”

Customer: “Of course it’s on! I know how to turn on my computer!”

Tech Support: “What kind of computer do you have? Is it a PC, a Macintosh, an Xterminal, or a VT420?”

Customer: “I don’t know. You’re the help desk — you’re supposed to know that.”

Tech Support: “Uh. Have you tried rebooting your machine?”

Customer: (angrily) “I just told you I can’t get the program to run. What kind of help desk is this? I don’t think you’re very helpful, and I’ll have you know that I personally know one of the programmers, and I’m going to call her since I know she’ll be able to help me!”



Customer: “So when I go to boot my computer, it just does nothing.”

Tech Support: “It just does nothing? So, when you turn on your computer you just get a blank screen?”

Customer: “Oh no, It comes up and counts my memory, detects hard drives, etc.”

Tech Support: “Ok, then what happens?”

Customer: “It doesn’t do nothing.”

Tech Support: “It doesn’t do nothing? I am not sure I understand. Does it lock up at this point?”

Customer: “Oh no, after that I get the screen with the clouds that says ‘Windows’ on it.”

Tech Support: “Ok, so you turn it on, it starts to boot up, then it goes to the splash screen with the clouds, and this is where you are having problems? What happens here?”

Customer: “It doesn’t do nothing.”

Tech Support: “Ok, so can you even get in to Windows? Will the system boot to your desktop?”

Customer: “Oh yes.”

Tech Support: “All right, so, you turn on your system, it counts your RAM, detects your drives, loads the splash screen, boots into Windows, and then what?”

Customer: “Nothing.”

Tech Support: “So what is the problem?”

Customer: “The computer doesn’t do nothing.”

Tech Support: “Ok, I need you to be a little more specific here because that so far, this is quite normal.”

Customer: “Oh yeah, all that stuff is normal.”

Tech Support: “So again, what is the problem anyway?”

Customer: “My desktop is all washed out looking.”



Tech Support: “Ok, you are in C:\WINDOWS. We need to get to the A: drive. So type ‘A’ colon and press enter.”

Customer: “‘A’? What’s an ‘A’?”

Tech Support: “It’s the first letter of the alphabet. ‘A’ like apple.”

Customer: “Ummm…what’s an ‘A’? I don’t know what it is.”

Tech Support: “Grade school, remember? The letter ‘A’?”

Customer: “Oh, ok. Where is that?”

Tech Support: “Left side of the keyboard. Next to the ‘S’.”

Customer: “Ok…I think I found it. What do I do?”

Tech Support: “Press it. See what happens.”

Customer: “Ok, I’ve got an ‘A’ now.”

Tech Support: “Now press the colon. It’s next to the ‘L’ key.”

Customer: “How do I get it?”

Tech Support: “Hold down the ‘shift’ key.”

Customer: “How to you spell that?”

Tech Support: “S-H-I-F-T. You have two of them. Near the space bar. Hold that down and press the colon.”

Customer: “I can’t find the colon.”

Tech Support: “It’s to the right of the ‘L’.”

Customer: “How do I get it?”

Tech Support: “Hold the shift key and press the colon key.”

Customer: “Oh, ok…I think I’ve got it.”

Tech Support: “Good, now hit ‘enter’.”

Customer: “Where’s that?”



Customer: “My modem is not working.”

Tech Support: “Ok. Let’s start simply. Do you have a phone line running from the back of the computer to the wall?”

Customer: “I have no dial tone when I pick up the phone.”

Tech Support: “Do you have a phone line running from the back of the computer to the wall?”

Customer: “I bought this new computer, it’s got (reads from store receipt) and 32 megs of RAM. But it won’t work.”

Tech Support: “Ok. Tell me how you have it set up right now.”

Customer: “Well, I have it setting next to the phone, and the phone line is hooked into it.”

Tech Support: “Is anything running into the wall?”

Customer: “No.”

Tech Support: “So you have the computer sitting next to the phone, the phone line running into the computer, and that’s it?”

Customer: “Yes. Am I supposed to plug the computer in?”

Tech Support: “Yes, it needs to be plugged in so the modem can dial.”

Customer: “What’s a modem?”


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Reena Gagneja
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